Train Your Pet Words by Noelle Sterne

I was elated when I received an acceptance for my short story “Casey.” But seeing the critique that followed, I was horrified to learn this story housed an entire menagerie of unwanted editorial pets—words, phrases, and grammatical constructions. 

Pets can be wonderful—I loved my orange and white cat. But the editor let me have it: “Every author has pet words and phrases. Part of my job is to point them out so you can ditch them.” She attached the manuscript and, in oxblood, highlighted a herd of my pet words and phrases.  

“Casey” is about a middle-school boy who discovers he has healing powers and experiences the illnesses of others. Feeling a neighbor’s dog’s malady, he heals the dog and then, feeling the fever, heals another neighbor’s baby. Later, in school, when his best friend Clive (whom Casey envies) has a terrible fall, Casey suffers, feeling Clive’s injury, and uses his new powers to heal him. Gradually, Casey then gains self-confidence and self-respect.

I thought I’d rewritten this story until it shone like Waterford in sunlight. But if I wanted the piece published, I’d have to swallow my martyred hours and get back to work. 

Here I share my pet words to help you spot your own, humbling as it may be. The favorites my editor skewered may be more subtle than the common ones we’ve all read about and probably used: passive tense carelessness (“The computer was powered up by the writer.”), adverbial exploitation (“really,” “definitely,” “very,” “weakly”), and modifiers grasping for anchoring nouns (“Writing this article, the errors were glaring.”). Instead, now, blushingly, I open the barn door and let out my top four pet words and phrases so you can train your own from “Stay” to “Delete.” 

And or But

And do you start a sentence with a conjunction? But I’d always thought this pet conveyed a gracious transition. My editor pointed out my penchant for beginning sentences with these offenders. In the first twelve pages of “Casey,” she circled seven instances. With an introductory context, here are three:

• Casey’s mother talking about a neighbor’s boy: And Clive has a lot of friends, he’s good at sports, I think he’s in the band too. And he’s so smart. I just wish some of it could rub off on Casey.
• Casey is thinking about the girl he idolizes at school: And when he was blessed enough to pass her in the hall between classes, he peeked at her chest.
• Casey thinking about Clive: But who could argue with his perfect answers, perfect grades, perfect manners not only with every grown-up but even with the other kids?  

And I could go on. 

The conjunction isn’t needed to make these points. In fact (another pet?), without the conjunction, the sentences are stronger and cleaner. My editor added, not unreasonably, that occasional use of a conjunction is fine. But too much is too much. And I had to admit she was right.

Now and Then

These conjunctions may seem to add to the flow, which accounts for their elevation to pethood. My editor, though, highlighted without mercy:

• Casey at his job in the supermarket: He’d finished the vegetables and fruit and now headed for Aisle 9, Pet Supplies.
• Mrs. Morton, whose dog Binky is ill, on taking him to the vet: But she saw now she might not be able to avoid going. 
• Casey as he feels Clive’s head injury after he falls: Casey could hardly see now, his head hurt so much.

It’s true that “now” can add to the sense, but if you mentally delete the “nows” above you’ll see they’re unnecessary. When I searched and destroyed, I found twenty-two(!) instances of the pet “now” and reluctantly shooed them out to pasture. 

Then there’s “then.” Like “now,” “then” seems to give just the right hint of time passing. This pet, though, clung persistently to my manuscript, especially to begin sentences:

• Casey looking at a can of dog food: But then the picture pulled him.
• Mrs. Morton, trying to help her sick dog Binky: Then, carefully avoiding his paw, she tucked her special blanket around him.
• The young mother listening to her ill baby: Then she heard three more hiccoughs.
• A paramedic at Clive’s side: Then he shook his head, looking down.

I ferreted out and fixed twenty-eight of these rascals. Simple deletion tightened the writing and accelerated the action.

The Verb with the Ing Tail

This pet, seemingly so innocent, sidles up and settles because of its mellifluous and possibly logical sound and sense. In pedigreed grammatical circles, it’s called the “past continuous” with the gerund verb form. Whatever the fancy name, the phrases should make our editorial guard dogs yowl: 

• Casey’s father was finishing his coffee.
• Binky was sitting on his hind paws on her bed.

Once you’re addicted to this construction, it can rule you. But (or And or Then) I couldn’t help myself from adding variations:

• The baby kept rasping and gulping. 
• Clive’s blood kept seeping out, forming a pool on the cement floor.

After the editor commented on a couple of these, I combed the manuscript and nailed thirteen embarrassments of “was/kept ___ings.” 

Rarely does this form add anything in the narrative or tone. When you substitute the simple past (“finished,” “sat,” “rasped”), nothing is lost, and you give the reader a greater sense of immediacy. “Was” and “kept” aren’t inherently bad words, but with the substitution or deletion of the simple pasts, you gain directness, conciseness, and forward movement. 

Same-Start Paragraphs

Despite unremitting revisions, the pet of starting consecutive paragraphs with the same word may sprawl lazily across your pages. I checked all thirty-five pages and found fourteen sluggish reps:  

• Casey felt his cheeks grow hot. He wasn’t slacking off, like some of the boys in the back who were supposed to unload the cartons off the truck. They sat outside for fifteen minutes at a time, sneaking smokes, watching girls. 
• Casey jogged over to Aisle 15, Baby Needs. Waiting there, blocking the aisle, were two carts stacked higher than the dog food.

Varying the openings demands innovative retraining and revision. For example, after cajoling myself with special treats, I revised the second example above: 

• “‘Fifteen,’ Casey repeated silently, ‘Baby Needs.’ He jogged over.”

Consistent Pet Discipline

Throughout “Casey,” I was shocked by my many repetitions of unruly writing behavior. Nevertheless, none of these pet words and phrases in itself is willfully ungrammatical, illiterate, or disobedient. It’s the overuse that needs a firmer hand and pen. Of all these pets, and others I kept finding (oops), I retained a few instances in the final draft that seemed appropriate and enhanced the meaning. (After my editor received the revised manuscript, she patted me on the head.)

You’re the Alpha

We love our pets, snuggling with us on the sofa, romping with the kids, and snoring at our side. But they shouldn’t be allowed to nestle in your pages. Discipline your pet words and phrases and show them who’s the alpha writer. 

When you practice the training, taming tips here, you’ll assert your dominance as pack leader. Your pet words and phrases will no longer run wild and trample all over your manuscript. And your pets will behave better, obey on command, and loyally play their parts in giving your readers the pleasure, clarity, and power of your words.

Noelle Sterne is a writer, editor, writing/academic coach, and spiritual counselor 
(PhD, Columbia University). Sterne publishes essays, stories, 
articles, and poems in writing, literary, educational, women’s, and 
spiritual print and online venues. She published a children’s book of 
original (groan-worthy) riddles: Tyrannosaurus Wrecks (HarperCollins), 
and two other books. Based on her professional editing and coaching for 
frustrated graduate students, she published Challenges in Writing Your 
Dissertation: Coping with the Emotional, Interpersonal, and Spiritual 
Struggles (Rowman & Littlefield). For academics, she writes a monthly 
advice column for the Textbook and Academic Authors Association blog, 
“Dear. Dr. Noelle.” Her spiritual self-help book appeared earlier: Trust 
Your Life: Forgive Yourself and Go After Your Dreams (Unity Books). 
Following her own dream, she continues to train her pet and other 
assorted words. www.trustyourlifenow.com